The due date for my second pregnancy was set for September 22, 2019. My daughter was born July 22, 2020. Let me begin by saying something we all need to hear. Miscarriage is a legitimate trauma. Don’t ever let someone tell you it’s not, or that it is a lesser loss.
What is a rainbow baby?
For those who are not familiar with the term “rainbow baby,” it is used to describe a baby that was born after the mother had suffered a miscarriage or loss of a child. This child is the rainbow after a terrible traumatic storm.
My mindset before I got pregnant again
My miscarriage was a very emotional month-long process, that ended with a traumatic ER experience. After the initial waiting period, it took a little while to get pregnant again. In hind sight, five months is not a long time to be trying, but at the time it felt like an eternity. This was the answer to ending my pain. If I could just get pregnant again, and have a healthy baby, it will make everything better.
Along with the desire to end my pain, there was also the fear of time. I was entering into my later thirties, and there was a slight fear of waiting too long. Or maybe this miscarriage meant I was no longer physically in a good position to have children. With each passing month it didn’t happen, my heart was crushed.
During my pregnancy with my daughter
Then I finally got the answer I was wanting. “Well the test confirms you are pregnant.” This was something I had desperately wanted to hear for so long. I had wished for this, I had prayed for this, but all I felt was scared. I realized in that moment I had rushed myself into something I wasn’t emotionally ready for.
It would make sense that you would be more concerned after already experiencing a miscarriage, but I wasn’t prepared for how scared I was. With my first pregnancy, it was a fear in the back of my mind, but with my third pregnancy, it was a very possible reality.
We didn’t tell anyone this time before the first ultrasound. When I heard her heartbeat, I cried uncontrollably. It was a strange mixture of relief and fear. Now I had something to lose, and I couldn’t imagine losing this baby too. Looking back, I am a little angry at myself for bringing my three year-old with us. He didn’t have an easy time seeing me like that. She was there, she had a strong heartbeat, it should have been a happy time.
I use to talk to my son all the time during my first pregnancy. He was very real, and it was all very exciting. I don’t think I even started talking to my daughter until around the seventh month. I didn’t allow myself to get genuinely excited until after the five month ultrasound.
I feel terrible now looking back, realizing that I detached a bit and robbed myself of the joys I could have been experiencing. I let my fears and my anxieties re-traumatize me. Even as I got closer to my due date, I still worried about whether or not I was going to be bringing a baby home. It’s a scary reality, but a realization I came to; pregnancy does not guarantee a healthy baby. I wasn’t going to finally feel at peace until I heard her cry.
The biggest misconception
I should have known better. I had dealt with grief enough in my life to know it wasn’t a problem that could be solved, but a process that needed to be gone through. I thought that if I had the second child that I so desperately desired, that the past trauma would all be okay. I honestly thought that somehow it could make me forget what happened.
Let me explain that the birth of my daughter was one of the greatest joys of my life. I cherish those precious first moments of hearing those strong lungs and knowing everything was okay. She is such a blessing.
As a little time went by, I realized it had been wrong and selfish of me to put all that expectation on her. I recognize now that I was carrying around so much of that trauma, that I wasn’t dealing with. Loss has a long-lasting affect, but it’s no longer allowed to steal my joy.
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