So I’ve been a stay-at-home-parent for the last year and a half now. And I think it has actually taken me that long to get a handle on this job.
Where I Was Coming From
Before I found myself in this new role, I worked full-time as an infant teacher and I had just finished my master’s in Professional Counseling. So to complete my masters, I had to do two semesters of my practicum. This is like a pre-internship. So basically, I was holding down a job and a half. My work day consisted of starting my teaching job at 6am, getting off at 2pm, and then doing my practicum from 3pm to 9 or 10pm at night. This was all during my first trimester of pregnancy.
It all changed when I was five months pregnant and going for my midway sonogram. It was March of 2020, the schools were extending Spring Break, and they were talking about “essential workers.” I asked my doctor what his recommendations were. “You should be hiding under a rock.” That powerful statement was enough for me. I went back to work and quit the job I’d been at for almost seven years and cried all the way home.
What I Thought It Would Be
I’m sure a lot of working mothers have had that fantasy of what it would be like to be able to stay at home with the kids. Especially early in the morning when that alarm clock goes off and you have to drag yourself out of bed, so you can drag everybody else out of bed and start your days.
This was going to be a piece of cake. I had spent the last few years caring for a class of infants, while maintaining a clean environment. I pictured myself having the time to clean the house from top to bottom in the morning and then having my afternoons free to have adventures with my son. Isn’t that a beautiful, magical picture.
What It Actually Was
Instead I got a rude awakening. My day consisted of trying my hardest to get the simplest tasks done while my three year-old son was driving me crazy. It might help to know that my sweet boy is very hyperactive and we were struggling with over a year of potty-training that seemed to be going nowhere. Couple this with the fact that the last trimester of my pregnancy drained all of my energy.
It didn’t get any easier once my daughter came along. Both my children were great nappers, just not at the same time.
This was my new job. I was determined to be good at this job. I started living by a daily to do list and strategizing how to be the most efficient. I use to thrive on this at the daycare, and I still do, but my kids were throwing roadblock after roadblock at me. I was dealing with a newborn and a little boy adjusting to a newborn.
I spent a lot of my time trying to meet my daughter’s needs and being at odds with my strong-willed son. Every night ended in me feeling like a failure.
What I’ve Learned
I learned several things about myself through this process:
Let me state first, no one else made me feel this way, but I felt like since I wasn’t bringing in a pay check, I had to work twice as hard to prove what I provide for my family. I take care of the whole wellbeing of two small humans all day long! That is a huge part of keeping this family going. I have to remind myself of that.
I am not going to get fired! My family needs me; I’m not going to be replaced. Why am I so stressed about proving myself?
My priority during the day is being a good mother to my kids. I am not a housekeeper. While I do shoulder some of the responsibilities of the house, my children need to come first. I’ll find time for everything else later.
I need to accept help, and not assume it’s someone seeing me as failing. I would get really suspicious when my husband would start tidying up out of nowhere. I felt like he was fixating on what I wasn’t getting done, when in actuality he just saw a job that needed to be done and he was trying to be helpful.
This is not my infant classroom. While I did care about the children in my classroom, and I did take care of them emotionally and physically, there were other duties I had to take care of on a daily basis. With my own kids, I have to remind myself there are no deadlines, I have to take time to enjoy them, and mentally not be fixating over other tasks needing to be done. They aren’t just a list of daily tasks. These two, are amazing little human-beings, that never cease to amaze me when I allow myself to stop and enjoy them.
This is the most emotionally invested I have ever been in any job. I will never take an outcome more personally. With this I need to be a little easier on myself. I’m not perfect, and I shouldn’t expect to be.
I have to take some time for myself. I have to take care of myself too. One of my favorite sayings, because it is so true, “you can’t give from and empty cup.” I’m not a machine, I also have basic needs that need to be met.
Everyone says you have to leave work at work, but where do you leave it when home is your work? As much as I screwed up that day, and there are many days I do, I have to let it go. Each day is a new day. Dwelling on what’s already happened won’t change anything. Learning from my screw ups and using that as motivation to have a better day the next day, is what makes me a better mother.
Now
Maybe it’s because they’re both a little bit older or maybe it’s that they nap around the same time, but I feel like I’m finally getting into a groove. Everyday is just as unpredictable as before, but I have a better understanding of what the top priorities are. I still run my days on my to do list and my strategizing, but there’s more wiggle room now. I’m not a perfect mom, and I never will be, but this is the best job I’ll ever have.
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