One of the worst things you can do to yourself as a parent is get sucked into isolation. Humans were meant to interact with other humans, and I don’t just mean asking your child every hour if they need to go potty. Sometimes you need to ask, “Is this normal”, or “What’s that”, or “Am I going crazy?” This is where your tribe comes in. Call it whatever you want, your “tribe”, or “squad”, or your “sounding boards”. These are the people you go to when you have questions, or you just need to vent. Your tribe can be made up of all sorts of people. My tribe contains all sorts of people I’ve met along my journey. What all these individuals have in common is that they were a group of safe people willing to take the time to listen to me and let me know I’m not alone.
What Do You Need?
What kind of support are you looking for? You will always be able to find people wanting to give you parenting advice, but is that what you need? Are you looking for advise, or someone willing to listen, or just need someone to be there while you have a complete meltdown? I am an overthinker, I constantly have questions. Some people don’t have as many questions. Some people have trouble opening up, and some people are an open book. You need to decide what’s right for you, and sometimes it’s going to be different things at different times.
Trust / Non-Judgmental
Most parents are already hard enough on themselves without anyone else making them feel like the worst parent ever. Your tribe needs to be made up of safe people. Safe people are individuals you can trust to be honest and open with. Depending on the wrong people could push someone deeper into feelings of isolation. You don’t have time for people who make you feel like you have to impress them. Your tribe has to be a judgment free zone.
No Drama
As a person, you do not need unnecessary drama in your life. As a parent, you do not have the time or energy for that kind of thing. If there are certain people in your life that are more draining than beneficial, you really need to distance them. If this is hard for you, keep in mind that whatever they are taking away from you is something you can’t give to your family. This goes back to surrounding yourself with safe people.
People With Experience
One would think this doesn’t need to be said, but you have to consider who you’re getting your advice from. Everybody has opinions, but not everybody has experience. And being in a group with other parents at the same stage of parenting can be a great support, but keep in mind, all of you are going through the same thing at the same time. Sometimes you are going to need someone with more experience. Don’t always write off some parenting advice as outdated.
Professional Support
Don’t forget about all of the professionals in your child’s life. One of the greatest gifts I had in the first few years was a pediatrician that always made time for my questions and make me feel heard. Your child’s teacher is also a great resource. Whether your child is in school or daycare, think of their teacher as a partner with you in your child’s success.
Social Media And Parenting Boards Are Not Your Tribe!
Social media and parenting boards are great and easy ways to stay social and avoid isolation, but I wouldn’t depend solely on these as sources of support. These are too wide of a net. If you post a parenting question on these platforms, be prepared to get any and every answer. There’s no filter for safe people, so you might get people trying to make you feel like you’re what’s wrong with the world. When it comes to your tribe you should be able to pick up the phone and have an honest conversation with someone. You’re not going to get that from social media. This might be a good source to find individuals to build your tribe, but this alone is not your parent support.
Reciprocate
Relationships are not one-sided. It’s easy to get caught up in your own parenting stresses and forget to notice others around you needing help or struggling with isolation. If you want people to show up for you, you need to show up for them. Some people aren’t going to need you as much, but you need to recognize when you need to be that same parent support that they gave to you.
Recognize When You Can Be Someone Else’s Tribe
Once you become a parent, it’s like you are now a part of this universal club. This club is made up of billions of people on different journeys, but everyone’s in the same boat. And let’s face it, the truth is we’re all winging it from day to day. If we think about parenthood as one gigantic pay-it-forward with no judgments, we might all make it out of these struggles better parents. So be aware when you see that look on another parent’s face, that brings back memories of you going through the same struggles. That person might just need a few words from someone who’s been there. Be a part of someone else’s safe people.
Parenting is already hard. Being an isolated parent is even harder. You just got thrown into a job with no handbook or training. You will need other people, but you need to put careful thought into the people you surround yourself with.
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